Two Years Ago Today"DayFive"

     One year ago today,  I went to that hospital first thing in the morning as I had planned the night before.  I get to the hospital its around 7:00am, the security guards at the front desk said they did not open to visitors till 8:00am.  Side note why were security guards needed?  I ventured around the corner to kill some time grabbed a bite to eat, just as I’m finishing,  I start getting frantic text messages from my wife.  “They are talking about ICU”.  Side note the night before they were trying to convince her to be ventilated, even though the nurses told us that was not the case”.   I told her they need to wait fo me to get there.  The doctors call me as I’m walking back to the hospital, telling me that she needs to go on a ventilator, she’s exhausted and she is breathing 60 breaths a minute.  Shallow breathing.  Instead of the doctors meeting with me, which I thought they would do.  I spent 45 minutes pacing the parking lot outside the hospital arguing with the doctors over  the phone, she told doctors “i do not want to go on the vent.  I told doctors they need to respect her wishes, I’m her advocate and her wishes need to be respected.  They told me that had done all they could and she would most likely die if she was not vented.  I requested a second opinion from another doctor.  That in turn the doctors told me why do you want a different doctor we are the doctors.  I stood my ground and requested this doctor be brought in.  This doctor was an ENT.  The doctors questioned why I would want an ENT to see her.  The ENT ended up not having access to that hospital.  Once I realized getting a doctor in there was not going to be an option.  I requested she be transferred to another hospital.  That requested was denied by the doctors they said she will most likely die she needs special equipment in order to make that happen.  As I said before this went on for 45 minutes of back and forth text messaging friends to get second opinions and other drug protocols.  Final the doctor changes his tune as says well since we have already done all we can, we want to just put her in ICU to monitor her condition so that if we feel she needs further care we can provide it.  They assured me that they would only put her on a vent if it comes down to an absolute emergency situation.  I told them that was the only way I would agree that this be done.  In this moment I feel as though I failed her, because within fifteen minutes of me agreeing to put her in the ICU she was put on a ventilator.  I felt hopeless and crushed that we could not be side by side making these decisions together.  She obviously was alert enough to know that she did not want to be vented.  At this point I feel I failed her.  We talked about this is this was ever to happen she did not want to be vented.  I felt defeated when I was informed moments later that she was put on a ventilator.  These are the last words we spoke to each other for the rest of the time she was in the hospital.  I don’t even know how this was possibly legal. I thought we had medical rights to be advocates for our loved ones.