For some of you that have been following this medical story of my wife,  some of you may know that I feel I failed her when she needed me most.  I had to make decisions and some of those decisions were not ones that her and I wanted but were told it was the only way, but in most of her treatment I was not included in any of the decision making process.  The past few months I have been discouraged thinking if I had only do this or that she may still be here.  A nurse that I have been following for a while put my mind at ease today.  I have to remember that the decisions I had to make were with the information I had at the time, not the information and knowledge I have now.  She writes this.......

     ​When we know better, we do better. 💕 Hindsight often provides us with a clearer perspective and a deeper understanding of situations. It's natural to wish that we had known then what we know now, as it could have influenced our decisions and actions. However, it is essential to offer yourself compassion and grace. Recognize that you were operating with the knowledge and resources available to you at that specific point in your life.

Acknowledging that you were doing your best given the circumstances is a testament to your growth and resilience. It signifies that you have learned from your experiences and have evolved as an individual. Instead of dwelling on regrets or self-blame, use those insights to empower yourself in the present and future.

Life is a continuous journey of learning and growth. Embrace the lessons from the past, be grateful for the wisdom you have gained, and continue evolving into the person God intricately designed you to be. No one is exempt from making mistakes, so be forgiving of yourself along the way. 

#KnowBetterDobetter #Wisdom #LifeLessons #EvolvingWithPurpose NurseErin.org 👩🏻‍⚕️💫

     You can read more stories about families that unfortunately have had to deal with the same fate as ours with the story of my late wife.  You can read these stories at a website called Fight for Christy click on link tab below.

     The phone rings early in the morning 2:15 its the Dr. advising me that LT's heart stopped and they performed CPR and resuscitated her, but they did not think that if her heart was to stop again that she should be not be resuscitated again, I agreed and hung up the phone.  The phone rang again it was now 2:30am and they advised me that her heart had stopped and she had passed.  I was crushed, but I praised God because He answered prayers from in the car outside the hospital.  This is when I realize God has a plan and it's not mine.

     By this time I was emotionally and physically exhausted,  I had fallen asleep on the couch.  Unable to sleep in our own bed because she was not here.  The doctors had tried to reach me multiple times that morning I woke up and realized they had called.  I returned the phone call to the Doctor.  He advised me that they finally had performed a sputum test, but while they were performing the test her heart stopped.  I had a glimmer of hope when they told me the test had been performed, in my mind I was like good they might actually come to a conclusion what is causing her infection.  But when the rest of the news came my heart sank.  I didn't know what to feel after that.  I hung up the phone and started texting and calling people with updates.  Within those updates I was being asked by others are they letting you communicate with the iPads they have.  I was dumb founded, I asked what iPads?  People were informing me that the hospital had ways for us to communicate and talk to LT, but unfortunately I guess with all the chaos in the hospital with the doctors and nurses this was never offered to us.  Another blow to our hearts of the lack of communication we had with LT.  

      Well it was now after church.  I was hanging out with her mom when I received a phone call from the Dr. and missed it.  I returned the phone call, the nurse answered the phone and advised me that the Dr was busy , but I needed to make time for him.  I hung up the phone and told her mom to get ready and get in to the car we were going to the hospital.  On the way I called one of her best friends and told her to meet us there, and I was hopeful because as you read in the prior post they finally did a sputum test.  With that I was sure we would have some answers to her condition.  We are now all sitting in the lobby.  The Dr calls, I advise the Dr that I want to meet with him.  He told me I have no such right for that request.  I advised him that I was her advocate and I was requesting a meeting, he affirmed that he did not like my tone.  I just relayed back that if he did not want to meet with me in person that our conversation was now over. He put me on hold and came back on the phone and advised me that we could come up to the ICU floor.  We all went up to meet with the Dr.  As the nurse at the ICU nurse station slid LT's wedding rings across the counter telling me I would probably want these back, the Dr. proceeded to tell us that LT's lung went fibrotic, with that being said "I told the doctor to give her a lung trans plant!"  He advised that they don't do that for covid patients, and advised that at this point they were waiting for her heart to stop.  The doctor had reassured us that they had done all they could for her.  As  we all stood there sobbing and I looked at her beautiful lifeless body through ICU glass, not being able to tell  her goodbye and hold her hand to pray with her.  My heart sank very deep in my chest as I realized at that moment she was most likely not returning to her earthly home.  We calmly composed ourselves and exited the hospital.  Got into the car it was her mom and I, and we just prayed that the Lord would either keep here with us or take her home to Him, but I prayed that He would make that decision quick I did not want her to have to suffer or having us to make life or death choices we left it in Gods hands at this point.

     Todays prognosis nurses say oxygen levels are worsening trying to get ventilator adjusted properly.  She's  stable and comfortable.

     Todays condition is steady with yesterdays prognosis stable not getting worse not getting better just trying to keep her comfortable.  Still investigating bacterial infection, with no updates at this time.  There's that word again "Comfortable"!

     As of 4:00am this morning I was now able to access her portal.  This was nice where as even though I'm not a doctor I can look at stats and she how she is trending. Stable today and no real changes in condition at this time.  The nurses State she is "Comfortable" now after reading her medical records I am now understanding what "Comfortable" meant

     As I am now able to look back at this day with more information and notes, this day starts to not make more and more sense, and where I really started to question if I was being told the truth, because the day before she was supposedly Covid and Pneumonia free.  No where in her medical records can I find a note that states that condition.  On the contrary they had to take  off a sedative drug called Propofol "that I was originally told that they were giving to control her blood pressure" for fear she would contract Propofol Injection Syndrome.  Which for all I know may have or not have already taken place.  The reason I conclude that is because on this day her sedation drugs that she was now introduced to follow a palliative care protocol, which I was never told.  Well after reading in the book Undercover Epicenter Nurse on pages 88 and 89 Nurse Erin talks about this very thing happening to patients being put on "Comfort Care" but the families were not notified because technically it wasn't considered "Comfort Care" even though that was pretty much the only treatment taking place.  So now I'm just left with more questions.  Why am I reading notes that her health records were unavailable even though her records are through the same medical provider group?  why were nurses asking her how much alcohol she drank and why was I never asked this question.  Which this leads us to a story shared to me and others, and he asked if I would she His wife's story I agreed I would.